At work, this morning as I stood in a corner of the cafeteria for cafeteria duty, I stood between two male teachers who made small chat, talking about work and their favorite sports. Then one turns over to the other and asks, "So, how's the baby?"
His eyes widen up. His voice changes from that authoritative firm voice, to the voice of a giggling man talking about his baby. "Oh, he's beautiful and he's almost walking," one says. "Mine can't stop smiling. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life," the other ones says.
And I slowly walked away from that conversation. I walked away. Not being rude. Just heartbroken. Afraid that if I stayed long enough, the hurt I am feeling will come exploding out of my body.
Having a baby changes you, they say. It will be the best thing you will ever experience in your life. That's the one thing only women will experience. Oh yeah? Well fuck you! Who ever said that has never known this type of pain. Will life suck for me because I will never be able to experience that joy?
These last couple of weeks I haven't had the strength to write all of me. I guess I figured if I didn't mention it or talk about what's going on, it would go away.
But people at work know now. I have told the boss, I have started working on lesson plans for that week. I am planning for the days I will be out.
In two weeks, I will be having surgery. A two centimeter mass was found in my uterus. I will be having outpatient surgery.
I knew something was wrong. They say a woman knows her own body. We know when something is not right, and I knew something was not right.
After a few tests, they told me about the mass. For the past week and a half I haven't been able to sleep. I toss and turn. I try not to worry about it, but it's there. This foreign mass in my body. In the reproductive machine that has always been broken, that will never know what growing a human inside will feel like.
I am angry. I am stressed. I am afraid. I am lonely. In a week I will be registering at the hospital and a few days after having the surgery.
I am angry, so don't come to me and talk to me about the babies that you have. I don't want to hear about how happy it makes you or how you can't imagine life without it. Screw you. I have every right to be upset. Every right to be angry at the world. I will never experience that happiness. Go away and excuse me for not being happy for you.
Yeah, I am angry. But don't worry, I will have that artificial smile for you. I will try for my sadness and hurt not interfere with your happiness.
Well, this sums up my feelings. I am tired, off to bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment