Overwhelmed

I remember the first time I had to make a presentation to the director of the Latin America division when I was working at Dell. I had always been behind the computer, running the numbers and creating metrics for my boss. Then one day, she had the grand idea that I should be the one presenting, since I was the team leader of the group.

The fear I faced was overwhelming. I had to up my game. I had always attended the weekly metrics meeting, but I never ever had to present my numbers. And the questions that would be asked by the big boss, would I be able to answer them? Every manager of each department in attendance, plus people from other offices would call in to the meeting from Brazil, Panama and Mexico were there. I wanted to die.

So why is it that after 8 months of teaching, numerous lesson plans, topics and reading materials am I feeling this overwhelmed now?

I hate this feeling because I feel I have lost that edge I had. With any job I had ever taken, be it me running an entire newspaper, to being a team leader in a big corporation to being the editor. I have always known to compose myself in any situation. Why am I losing my cool?

I am fighting this feeling of nervousness. I feel like I am entering this new phase of teaching that I am struggling with. For all of my life I have been behind the desk. Always been the one to listen and write notes. Now, I am the one in front of that classroom and those kids will learn from me. But why is this so hard now?

I have to sit back and breathe. I have no idea how to organize my thoughts on this unit I will be teaching for the remainder of the year. I wish I would get some kind of outline from anyone who has taught this before. "Hey you first year teacher, yeah you! here's something I did last year that would probably help you." I want some guidance, some real life guidance. Yes, I want someone to hold my hand. This is bad for me to admit because I have always pride myself in fighting through the fear and go at it on my own.

We have the book, but to me it's like being left in downtown China without any way to understand what I need to do, where I need to go and how to communicate.

I do have to give a big hands down to my mentor Jenny. She's always helping me. I guess I could say she is the one holding my hand this year. So glad her class is next to mine, I can bother her more.

Ok, I am feeling much much better. My stress has gone significantly down and now I have to really crunch the numbers and start planning.