Hanging tough

I was lost today.

I was nervous today.

Being afraid to speak up was more than I could handle.

I was in the middle of the ocean and drowning with no safety harness.

I was nervous today, I am not going to lie.

I tried to get myself confidence.

I tried the "Wonder Woman" standing pose and I tried placing my pencil between my teeth, to simulate a smile. But no, it didn't help.

The panic begun when I was called down the hall by one of the instructional coaches while I was in a meeting with my team. She decided to remind me that I would be meeting with my boss, about my lesson planning.

I was ok, until that second.

I walked inside the room, sat down and felt lost. My coworkers were talking about lesson planning for weeks 4, 5 and 6. 

Wait, what did I miss?

Someone talk to me please!

I was so focused.

I was ready to go, notebook and pencil ready to rock and roll.

Then she came.

It took me out of sync.

Then our department chair sent us free, to finish our lesson plans.

"Be back in an hour," she said.

But what do I need to change? I thought. I like the lesson plans we have. I still need someone to hold my hand and tell me I am doing ok.

Let me hold someone's hand, at least for the first few days.

In my classroom, I connected my computer and took a deep breath.

My monitor wouldn't work.

After messing with cords, and help from my faux mentor, it worked finally. She was my mentor last school year, and in my eyes, she will forever be my mentor.

Then my network connection wasn't working.

Oh lord, what next?

Then once connected, it asked me to change my network password.

Ugh, almost 30 minutes have passed. I have to hurry up.

Then a wave of OCD or ADD or something stated acting up. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't focus. 

"Calm down woman and put yourself together, you taught last year. You know what you are doing," I told myself.

Still feeling nervous and anxious, we returned back to the meeting. When my department chair got to me and asked me questions about my lesson, I panicked. My Spanglish started coming out of my mouth.

I am a grown woman, I was editor and general manager of my own newspaper. I know budgets. I know how to layout a newspaper from scratch. Oh, and I witnessed a Texas death row execution. I can do this damn it.

Sure, I sound full of myself, but this is all true. I do not understand why this is so difficult.

The afternoon training was no different.

We were shown a different way to lesson plan. It was breaking down each process I to sections. But it confused me. Took me out of my already broken confidence.

But I kept smiling. 

I hope tomorrow is a better day. I am tired.