Hello

These last couple of days I have been focused. I have been away from the blog scene and studying for my test. Away from television, and other distractions. I have either spent my time at my favorite location studying away, or at my apartment. I am focused. I am ready and damn it, I better pass this sucker. At this point, it's not just about a test, this is a challenge that I can do this. I can prove to myself I am smart. I can prove to those that don't think I can - pass this test. I have the 4-8 grades under my belt, I want the 7-12. That's what I signed up for and that's what I am going to do. I can retain information. I have always let a number put me down, I am standing up and fighting. I am going to fight until the end, even if I end up worn out, tired and in tears, I will not give up.

Work has also not been an easy ride this past week. I literally have had to sub for another teacher during my conference everyday this week. 

With the exception of Tuesday, when I was at training, I have been a sub. I know it's needed, we have to be there for each other - but them calling on the same people is a little cray cray. (Yep, I said cray cray). I know of some teachers who have come up to me and said they have refused to sub. They complain, they even encourage to tell them they don't have a right to take away our time. But for me, it's not the end of the world. I have always, and will always be there to lend a hand. As I grow older and evolve, little things like these are not such a big deal. Yes, I may complain for a bit, but in the end, just being a decent human being and helping out is what it's all about. You never know when in life, you will need someone to help you.

I guess this week has been about reflection too. The holidays always open the door for that inner conversation. Another year, another lonely time. What to do with my time. Seeing everyone move forward, getting married, having kids. Being in the middle of that conversation that I can't be a part of because I can't relate.

Some of my students were having a conversation about marriage and kids (we've been reading R&J) and one my students was saying how young they both were...etc. 

And one of the girls said, "oh gosh I hope I find someone in my 20s, I want kids!"

They talked about how old was too old and I said, "I am almost 40 and I don't have kids and I am ok."

All stopped what they were doing and looked at me in disbelief.

One started laughing.

"Good one ms! You know you're in your 20s, don't lie! You are so young, there's no way you are 40!"

And another girl said, "If I were in my 40s and have no one, I would just give up on life and give up on ever finding anyone to spend my life with."

I had a knot on my throat. Was what she was saying true? She's only a teenager, so young and no experience, but was she right? I have lived my life on my own for so long, I have forgotten what going on a date feels like. Would I know when someone is trying to flirt with me? I never have to ask someone else what to do and where to go. I want pizza for dinner? I go eat. I want to spend endless hours drinking coffee and surfing the Internet, my wish is my command. Oh well, at least I can do what I want.

I am so looking forward to spending time with the family. Thanksgiving is my holiday. The entire family is together. We laugh and joke and hang out and most importantly, I get to see the niece and nephew. So excited, I can't wait.