Catching my breath

Today has been a mix of happiness, sadness and stress and just, well, nervousness for this coming semester.

I am trying to catch my breath. We just got back from holiday, but it feels like everything is going wrong already.

To start the back to school week, I got an email stating my test results were in. 

I got nervous. I have been ready. I knew it would take three weeks. So these last two weeks I spent the time relaxing because I knew it would go both ways. But I kept telling myself, Pass or fail, I would be ok. I studied like there was no tomorrow. I dissected those questions left and right. And for what?

I failed.

Can I suck anymore at this?

I went to say hello to my boss during lunch. One of my teacher friends says its weird that I just walk over and stop and say hello to him like he was an old friend. I can't help it. I like talking to him. And I do that with everyone. If I like talking to you, you are getting a visit from me, so watch out.

I talked to him about the Christmas break and other things and then told him I failed the test. I swear, the look on his face looked like disappointment. I know he probably didn't do anything, but I walked in with the mindset that I would be telling him bad news.

I honestly don't know what else I can do. I feel like I am not only disappointing him, I am disappointing myself and even embarrassing myself.

He did tell me my 18 week assessment scores for all my kids and I was surprised because they were good. Well, not good, but high for me. Compared to the average score in the district, they were ok. I am glad he told me. Maybe be was trying to cheer me up a bit? Maybe it was a warning? Do this or else? Whatever his reason for telling me, I appreciated it.

Why can't I pass this test? What is wrong with me? Am I that bad?

Then to top it off I got an observation during 8th period. I knew it was coming. Two other teachers I know told me they got one in first period and I knew this would happen. I don't agree with first day observations. Specially after coming back from two weeks of doing nothing. But that is their job and I understand it has to be done. I tried to stay upbeat all day today, but all I could think of was the stupid test and how bad I suck at this.

Anyway, today is totally the suckiest of sucky days. I failed the test, again and got a not so good observation. I need to go to sleep.