Wow, I found this blog post from Dec. 2012 that I left as a "draft" and never published. Sounds like I was trying to find myself.
From Dec. 2012...
Talking about life, work and some gossip over a cup of coffee is something we have always enjoyed doing.
She was my college roommate many, many years ago and since then, we have been best friends. She's the type of friend you don't see for years and the minute you do, it's like no time has gone by.
Last night I was talking to her about my non-existing future and how not having a job is going to drive me nuts. I blamed my pride and quick decisions for being where I am now.
I feel some regret for what I did. I could have just sucked it up like everyone does every day they go to work. But I am not one to take it. If I don't like it, I change it. If I want something (or someone) I go for it. Yes, even if it leads me to heartbreak.
"I don't know what's next in my life. Something is obviously wrong with me. I am missing some gene that tells people when to shut up or do what they are told," I told Joanna as I took a bite of cucumber from my house salad.
"Don't think that way," she said. "You have time now to think about what you want to do."
And then she tells me something that I have never heard from her before.
"I envy you Adriana," she said. "You are single, don't have children and can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Sometimes I wish I had your life."
I told her that I wanted to have her life. The husband, the kid and the mortgage payment.
"But do you really Adriana?" she asks as she takes a bite from her grilled chicken.
Was she right? Usually if I don't like something I change it and go for what I want.
This time around I am not sure.
I know I couldn't stay in Bay City much longer. I gained so much experience and knew in my heart I was not destined to stay there forever.
I remember once, while driving back from my many road trips, I began to cry when I read the "Welcome to Bay City" sign. A fear of coming to an empty apartment and then I prayed out loud.
"Please help me find a way out of here, I give up, you decide for me. Guide me where you want me to be," I said outloud.
This is something I don't like to admit, especially not in a very public forum. I am, contrary to what people may think, a very private person.
And talking to my other BFF JR this morning, he told me to accept life, enjoy the free time and figure out what I want to do.
"I want to learn how to relax, not plan everything I do and just know that not everything is going to work out the way I want it to work out," I told him over the phone this morning.
"But I do want to find a job," I told him before he could say anything.
"Then that's what you do Bubba, welcome to the 'now' of your life," he said.
I am scared to death about this but he is right. I made my bed and now I have to lay on it and accept what I did, and move forward.
I can't do that here though and tomorrow I am off to a new adventure. Let's see where that leads me to. Wish me luck!
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