I was told not to take it personal, but I am. Because of me, these kids are going to summer school and retake the test. I am more ashamed and embarrassed.
Someone at work told me not to take it too personal, kids will either pay attention or not, will chose to take the test seriously or not. But the bosses don't care about anything like that, I said. This is data driven and my numbers are bad. They look at numbers and nothing else. And that to me, makes me look and feel like a failure.
I had lunch with a friend who told me to accept the numbers and learn from them. Then she told me, "You are being too hard on yourself. A year ago, could you have imagined you'd be a teacher? You survived an entire school year and you didn't walk out. If you feel this or not, you taught 100 kids, you got up everyday and went to work, you cared about them. You made a difference. I saw your stress, your tears. Not anyone can be a teacher."
Of course I am paraphrasing some of what she said because she sounded so great, I wish I'd recorded her speech.
She told me to hold my head up, face the reality of it all and just make sure next year I kick ass.
Her pep talk made me feel better.
Going in to work this morning, I was, of course the first to go in to the building. I was secretly excited that I go to set off the building alarm, I was glad I was able to walk the halls in the dark, with no one around. I packed my bags, I put away all boxes and finished off what needed to be done.
It was a little bittersweet. A new chapter in my life. For the first time in my adult life, I have some time off (and it's paid time off) and excited to be going into the unknown. I have some set plans, but the rest of the free time is up for grabs.
What will I do next? Only (summer) time will tell.
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