A part of me

I was so angry last night. A friend of mine sent me an old link to my blog from 2003, from when I first started blogging. He said he thought it would be nice if I read how far I had gone in life, but instead, it opened so many wounds. I clicked through the old blog and found entries about my ex, the fights, arguments and also entires from when we celebrated our wedding anniversary. I was very blunt. I thanked him for opening up the past. I thanked him for reminding me of all the heartbreak I went through. He apologized, I was still angry. These are entries that I wrote a long time ago, entries that I didn't want to go back and read. Those feelings of feeling lost and confused, those feelings of pain and heartbreak came rushing in.

One entry that I found that made me super sad was the entry I wrote about my grandmas death. There's so much I could have written, I could have elaborated on, and I wish I had, but didn't.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Blood Roses

My sister and I left for the Valley on Wednesday. It was a long trip (6 hrs) but it was worth it because we got to see our parents. The valley sure has changed.

We decided to drive down to Mexico to the funeral. I was reluctant to take my car -- but we left anyway. We took a shortcut, instead of driving through Reynosa we went up through Rio Grand City and into Camargo -- the trip was a lot shorter.

We arrived to Montemorelos and went straight to the funeral home. This was on Friday at 3pm. Grandma's body would arrive to Monterrey from Florida at 7pm. They were running late. We were there from 3pm on Friday till 2:30pm on Saturday. It was an all night wake. I got to see my grandma, very unrealistic. Very odd -- to see her there. Not moving. Her body was lifeless...I got to see so many aunts and uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins...it seemed more like a family reunion then a funeral.

Thought the night I went to see my grandma several times. I got to say goodbye. It was sad, especially for my grandpa who was really sad.

On Saturday it was time to go to the church and then the cemetery. The religious services were odd to me since I am not catholic....after the services, we walked to the cemetery. It was so realistic - it had rained all week and today - the sun came out. The ground was still wet and moist so we walked on mud. Grandma was carried in a big limo like car and we all walked to her burial spot.

The hardest and most emotional time came when her casket was opened one last time. Everyone left her flowers, I could not bring myself to go up so I watched everyone walk by and cry. Touching her (as if she was still in that body) touching her, leaving her flowers by her hands.. I kept looking down to the ground - a fresh buried body next to me- The flowers around the grave still fresh and wet from all the rain.

It was so beautiful to see that when her casket was opened. I saw several birds fly to the sky. They had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. It was as if they were welcoming her and if they knew she was gone.

My grandpa went over, started crying uncontrollably, hugging her and kissing her. That was the last straw -- I started crying. To know that his partner of more then 50 years would not be with him any longer -- it broke my heart. The pain, sorrow, sadness was not for my grandma, but for my grandpa -- although he would have family and friends around him, he would be alone without his life partner.

The casket was lowered down with ropes and fresh cement was placed in her grave.

After the burial, we had to leave back home -- my mom stayed in control throughout the whole weekend -- but as soon as she saw grandpa, her step dad, the only dad she ever knew (as she has described him in the past) began to sob. She huged him. She had never done that. I had never seen her do that. Tears rolled down my face.

The old, unpaved streets were extra muddy and the trip to the car was difficult. Driving pass the cemetery - my mom began to cry once more because she knew this would be the last time we would ever be back here....